A lot of your
people problems and concerns about what other people think will fade into the
background when you understand one crucial reality. Most people are interested
in you only to the extent they can get something from you. I know this sounds
harsh. Bear with me a moment while I explain.
Apart from your
family and closest friends most other people see you as either a hindrance or
as a means to getting what they want. If you can help them get what they want
they will smile at you, say you are wonderful and do whatever they can to keep
you happy and available in the future. On the other hand if you stop being a
means to the fulfillment of their needs these very same people may well shun
you, insult you and have nothing to do with you.
Let me give you
an example. You meet someone special and you date. Things progress and a few
weeks later you are both in love and life has never been better. You are the
center of the universe for that person and whatever you desire is immediately
granted with a smile. Fast forward three months and the same person is
screaming down the phone at you, saying how useless you are and never to call
again! What happened? How could something so good go so wrong?
In very simple
terms you went from satisfying the other person's emotional needs to not
satisfying them. And the extreme change in how they treat you is because of
what I said at the beginning of this article: most people are interested in you
only to the extent they can get something from you.
Whereas in the
early days of the relationship you attended to all of the other persons needs
as time passed you grew complacent and things slipped to the point that key
needs went unsatisfied. At one point you were the answer to this persons
prayers but now you serve no purpose in this persons life hence the anger and
annoyance.
How can you use
this insight?
1. Be alert to
the unspoken demands the people in your life place on you and understand that
your relationships depend on the meeting of these underlying needs.
2. If you want
to be free of a relationship that is limiting you then stop offering the
demanded input whether that be advice, time, acceptance or any other resource
or support.
Be ready for
fireworks though since your input will often be taken for granted until you
withdraw it.
3. Realize that
when you feel self conscious there is no need to be since most people are
preoccupied being self conscious themselves!
And as far as
they are concerned you are a means to an end. If John Friend phones you to go
to the cinema it is so he will enjoy your company and to avoid looking silly
going there alone. Of course the same applies to you and I. And it is the
mutual filling of needs that underpins interactions, friendships and business
relationships.
To sum up. We
all want something from each other usually we are looking to fill emotional
needs and this is the way the world is. Once you accept this you can use this
understanding to look for what people want from you and then meet their needs.
If you do this
effectively you will never be short of friends and people keen to spend time
with you. You`ll always know how to quickly make friends and influence people
and you`ll find it easy and enjoyable meeting new people. You`ll never again
find it confusing how some people are so good at getting to know new people
while others just can`t seem to do it
Comments
Post a Comment